It doesn’t matter whether you’re an adoptive or birth parent or an adoptee; expectations abound in adoption. Giving everyone the freedom to voice those expectations is critical for healthy relationships. Here are a few strategies that may help mend some fences.
It Is Okay to Have Boundaries
Today, open or semi-open adoptions are the norm. With these types of adoptions, birth and adoptive parents agree to have some form of communication. The perfect time to establish specific boundaries is when you are finalizing the adoption.
Adoption can be a fearful proposition. Biological parents worry their child won’t be cared for properly or they won’t have information about them. Adoptive parents worry their child will be confused about who the actual parent is and not bond tightly with them. Adoptees worry that their biological families don’t love them and feel rejected.
Firm boundaries ensure regular, controlled communication to ease everyone’s fears. By establishing how and when communication occurs and sticking to those confines, everyone knows what to expect.
When Boundaries Are Broken
There is no doubt adoption is an emotionally agonizing choice for a mother. A woman who chooses to place her child for adoption does so because she loves them and recognizes the need for someone else to raise them. That doesn’t make the decision any less difficult.
If your birth mother struggles with addiction or psychological health issues, your first responsibility is to protect your child. You must act like a “screen door” – letting the good in and keeping the bad out. Shutting the main door should only be a last-ditch effort.
Whenever you are in contact with your child’s birth mother, show respect and kindness. Everyone, regardless of their situation, deserves empathy. Let your child know that you love their birth mother and want what is best for them.
Consider discussing with your birth mother how her actions or words may be detrimental to the child you share. Let her know you are committed to building a safe relationship for everyone involved.
If your birth mom originally agreed to personal visits but now finds them too difficult, help your child understand that their birth mother loves them and needs time. Remind them that people’s feelings change and relationships evolve.
However, if your visits with your child’s birth mother are becoming antagonistic, structure your time together accordingly. Switch to Zoom calls or Facetime instead of physical meetings. If those are unhealthy, communicate through email or cards and letters.
Whenever possible, do not stop communicating. An adopted child gains a sense of identity and understanding when they have contact with biological family members. However, contact with a birth grandparent, aunt, or uncle is sometimes easier.
Reach Out for Adoption Assistance
If A Gift of Hope Adoptions handled your adoption, please reach out to us for help. Your relationship with us is for a lifetime, just like your adoption. We will be happy to offer referrals for adoption-related materials and support.
If you are considering adoption as an expectant mother or potential adoptive couple, please contact us. You can fill out our confidential online contact form, and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible.
This blog is for informational purposes only. This is not legal or medical advice. While we try our best to accurately reflect current laws at the time of writing, please note that the laws can change over time.